Berlin’s Civil Servant Loyalty Checks Yield Two Suspects, 8,000 New Stamps, and One Deeply Confused Fax Machine
Officials confirm the process is working because it produced paperwork, which is the only legally recognized form of success.
Bureaucratic Whisperer
BERLIN — In a triumph of administrative cardio, Berlin’s “constitutional loyalty” screenings of civil servants have reportedly produced two suspicious cases and several metric tons of documentation, proving once again that the city’s most renewable resource is the form.
Officials hailed the results as “statistically soothing,” noting that the checks delivered the exact outcome Berlin governance strives for: a number small enough to ignore, but a process big enough to invoice.
“Two findings is not ‘only two,’” said a spokesperson who asked to be identified by their case number. “It’s two findings plus the lessons learned plus the supplementary annex plus the annex to the annex. That’s governance.”
The new gold standard: paperwork-based security
The loyalty checks, designed to ensure public employees remain devoted to the constitution, have been widely praised for focusing on the most obvious threat to democracy: people who still answer emails.
The process typically includes:
- A questionnaire about values, featuring trick questions like “Do you prefer democracy A) always B) sometimes C) only during lunch.”
- A background scan of social media, with special attention to anyone who ever liked a post containing the words “freedom,” “truth,” or “this line is too long.”
- A final review by a committee that meets quarterly to decide whether it can meet.
Berlin discovers a new kind of radical: efficiency
The two suspicious cases reportedly triggered immediate action, including:
- A meeting to schedule a meeting.
- A procurement request for a new stamp reading “PROVISIONALLY UNCERTAIN.”
- A pilot project to determine whether the suspicious cases are, in fact, cases.
One official close to the matter confirmed the city is taking no chances. “If someone is disloyal,” they said, “we will respond with the strongest tool available: a letter. Possibly even a registered letter, if we can locate a pen.”
The real scandal: the checks worked exactly as designed
Critics say the program has become a self-licking bureaucratic lollipop: the checks don’t primarily detect extremists, they detect opportunities to create new workflows.
“They screened thousands and found two,” said one union representative. “And then they acted like they discovered a secret tunnel under City Hall. Berlin would treat a working doorbell like a UFO.”
Supporters counter that even two cases justify the system, because the system also produced:
- A new digital portal that only works between 10:12 and 10:26 a.m.
- A PDF that must be printed to be uploaded.
- A hotline staffed by a recorded message apologizing for your expectations.
What happens next
Officials are now considering expanding the loyalty checks to additional high-risk groups, including:
- Anyone who says “Let’s keep this meeting short.”
- People who bring their own stapler to work.
- Employees who know their own password.
Meanwhile, Berliners were urged to remain calm.
“The constitution is safe,” the spokesperson said, standing beside a humming fax machine like a priest beside an altar. “And if it isn’t, we have a form for that.”