Berlin’s Loyalty Check Screens Thousands of Civil Servants, Discovers Two Suspects and 4,000 New Reasons to Need a Form
Officials call the result “reassuring,” “efficient,” and “a great pilot for expanding paperwork into other areas like breathing.”
Bureaucratic Whisperer
BERLIN — A massive screening to confirm civil servants are loyal to the constitution has reportedly yielded two “potentially concerning” cases, plus the bigger win: a thriving new administrative universe dedicated to confirming that most people remain extremely normal.
According to officials, thousands of checks were conducted to ensure the city’s employees are not secretly plotting against democracy while processing your change-of-address request in the year 2029. The overwhelming conclusion: Berlin’s bureaucracy may be many things, but it is not, at scale, a covert coup.
“Berlin takes constitutional loyalty very seriously,” a spokesperson said while printing an 83-page confirmation letter to confirm that the confirmation letter has been requested.
The Two Suspects
The two flagged cases are being treated with maximum seriousness and minimum clarity.
Sources say investigators are examining whether the suspects:
- once expressed enthusiasm for “efficiency” without irony
- displayed an unexplained comfort with deadlines
- successfully made an appointment on the first try, which experts describe as “statistically aggressive”
One senior administrator cautioned against jumping to conclusions. “Sometimes a person is simply organized,” they said, pausing to stare into the middle distance like someone recalling a traumatic stapler incident.
The Real Outcome: A New Department Is Born
While the loyalty check produced only two suspicious outcomes, it produced many more deliverables, which in Berlin is the closest thing to proof of life.
A newly formed working group—temporarily titled Task Force for the Evaluation of Task Forces (TFE-TF)—will now oversee:
- follow-up screenings to verify that screenings were screened correctly
- a harmonized spreadsheet strategy across districts, planned for rollout by 2037
- a “lessons learned” meeting, to be held immediately after the lessons are forgotten
Officials emphasized the program is not about distrust. It’s about process.
“In a democracy, everyone must be protected,” said an aide, “especially the paperwork.”
Citizens React: “Can You Screen My Landlord Instead?”
Berlin residents greeted the news with cautious support and mild confusion, which is also how they greet public transit announcements.
“I’m glad the city is checking loyalty,” said one resident. “But I’d like to request a separate screening for whoever decided the Bürgeramt should require three documents to prove I exist, yet no documents to prove the Bürgeramt does.”
Another asked whether the city could redirect the program toward “constitutional loyalty among landlords,” noting that rent increases seem to violate several amendments in their personal constitution.
What Happens Next
The administration says more checks may follow, partly because it’s important, and partly because the forms already exist.
Meanwhile, Berliners are encouraged to remain calm, remain democratic, and remain in line.
If you suspect disloyal behavior in a public office, officials advise you to report it using Form L-17b, available online as a PDF that must be printed, signed, scanned, mailed, and spiritually affirmed by a witness who has been waiting for an appointment since the last government.