Wedding Introduces ‘Loyalty Check’ for Civil Servants; Finds Two Suspicious Cases and 9,000 Suspicious Staples

WEDDING — In a bold demonstration of administrative cardio, the local offices announced the results of a new “loyalty check” program for public employees: thousands of screenings, two suspicious cases, and enough paper to rewild an entire park.

Officials insist the initiative is essential to “maintaining trust,” which in Wedding is traditionally maintained by making everyone stand in a line until they stop having opinions.

“Two cases is two too many,” said one spokesperson, speaking from behind a glass partition designed to prevent both germs and accountability. “Also, we’d like to remind the public that the appointment system is working flawlessly. If you can’t find an appointment, it’s because you didn’t believe in it hard enough.”

The Method: Modern Governance, Ancient Vibes

The loyalty check process is described as “streamlined,” which in government terms means it only requires:

• A declaration that you have never thought an unapproved thought.
• A second declaration confirming the first declaration was declared correctly.
• A certified copy of your certified copy.
• A 14-minute interview conducted through a closed door, a bad intercom, and existential dread.

Employees were reportedly asked to confirm they support the constitution, the city, and “the general concept of forms.” A pilot question — “Have you ever used a pen that wasn’t provided by the office?” — triggered a temporary lockdown and a mandatory training on “Writing Instrument Integrity.”

The Results: Two ‘Cases,’ Endless Content

According to the report, the program yielded two suspicious cases. Neither has been publicly described, because transparency is a dangerous gateway drug that leads to expectations.

Still, insiders shared the kind of detail Wedding specializes in: vague, solemn, and extremely printable.

One suspected case allegedly involved a staffer who answered a question directly. Another may have been seen helping a resident without first requesting a document proving the resident exists.

“These are exactly the kinds of deviations the public fears,” said a source close to the investigation, which in Wedding means they once stood near the printer.

Meanwhile, Outside the Office: Nightlife Continues to Do the City’s Emotional Labor

Residents, who have long treated bureaucracy as an extreme sport, responded by doing what they always do: waiting, sighing, and then going dancing to forget what year it is.

At midnight, tourists in black outfits they bought specifically to look like they didn’t buy them specifically for this were seen wandering into Wedding asking, “Is this where the real Berlin is?”

Yes. The real Berlin is a queue. The real Berlin is a missing stamp. The real Berlin is a citizen holding a number ticket like it’s a tiny paper horoscope predicting the exact moment you’ll lose hope.

Local nightlife venues reportedly offered a “Loyalty Check Special,” which is just tap water served in a cup labeled “€8” to help visitors feel integrated.

Bureaucracy Meets Modern Media (and Loses)

The district is also exploring partnerships with streaming platforms, after officials noticed that residents will watch eight hours of people baking but refuse to read a one-page notice about changing their address.

A proposed series, The Office (But It’s Real and You Cry), would follow staff members as they battle:

• The printer, a sentient being fueled by toner and spite.
• The appointment system, a mythological creature visible only during lunar eclipses.
• A resident who arrives with every document except the one document no one told them they needed.

Officials Promise “Lessons Learned”

In the press conference, the district pledged to improve the process by introducing a new internal working group. The working group will meet quarterly to discuss scheduling a meeting.

When asked if the program was worth it, one official nodded gravely.

“Absolutely,” they said. “We proved the system works. We checked thousands of people and found only two suspicious cases. That’s efficiency.”

Then they paused.

“Now if you’ll excuse me,” they added, “I need to submit my loyalty check to prove I’m loyal enough to submit loyalty checks.”

What Residents Can Do

Residents were advised to remain calm and report any suspicious behavior, including:

• Excessive competence.
• Unscheduled helpfulness.
• Smiling at the counter.
• Any employee who says, “No problem.”

As for the two cases, the district assured the public that the matter will be handled with the usual speed, clarity, and compassion.

So: expect answers sometime between next summer and the heat death of the universe.

In Wedding, that’s practically an appointment.